It’s lame to put this here, I know.. but writing comes so much easier.
I’ve known you for a few years now. I guess since I was a punk ass 10th grader who, for some reason, decided to add this cute as fuck, red haired, green eyed boy on Facebook. Didn’t know you, but wanted to know you, bad.
So bad that, I, an anxious little fuckgirl, got the courage to message you first.. I never do that. I asked for your number. I never do that either.
Looking back at those texts now, I’m 150% embarrassed at the way we talked to each other. I mean, literally the amount of “baby” and “rawrs” we sent back and forth is a little ridiculous, but I can’t help but smile every time I read them.
Specifically the texts from the first day we met. I’m not gonna lie and say I remember everything so perfectly, because I don’t… but I do remember seeing you for the first time, and getting hit with a wave of;
“Holy fucking shit, he is so fucking cute, what the fuck what the fuck. what. the. fuck.”
We only hung out for 2 hours, barely. It went fast and slow at the same time. There was Ellen, Tarzan, that blunt we couldn’t finish… Sitting on your bed, and how you pulled me close to kiss for the first time. Damn.
There was a lot. I’m not even going to get into it all but yeah, that first time meeting you.. I liked you so much immediately.
There was drama, and weirdness, and all the awkwardness that followed..plus the two more times we hung out after that before you moved across the country. I noticed though, that we pretty much stayed texting every few months for a long time. Up until a little more than a year ago, and I don’t even know what happened… but you were always kinda there ‘til then. I mean, yeah.
Not rehashing what happened, but then came this past May where you were in a dream of mine. I woke up and really REALLY just wanted to message you telling you about it. Hah, we weren’t even Facebook friends though, ‘cause I made a new one. I added you and you accepted nearly immediately, which is funny. The very next day you were driving over to my house after work, which funnily enough was nearly 4 in the morning.
God, it was like meeting you for the first time all over again. I keep trying to put it into words here.. I type some bullshit out and then go and delete it all because nothing fits right. It’s literally, as lame as it sounds, indescribable. I do know my heart was nearly pounding through my chest and my stomach was flipping.. and walking down the driveway to meet you was terrifying and awesome at the same time, and YEAH. Just, yeah.
Don’t know about you, but when we were just being goons laying in my bed that first night hanging out again, it felt like no time had passed from the actual first time we hung out. Everything just like, continued from where it was. When we kissed that night I literally just turned all wibbly wobbly inside… thinking about it makes me grin like a dweeb. Waiting up til 7AM to tell my dad you were sleeping over, both barely staying awake, then finally getting to pass out and we just cuddled.
Boy, you’ve been constantly on my mind since. Like, I swear to god I needed to do this somehow, write it all out.. in my weird ass way. ‘Cause holding in feelings kinda sucks, and I’m obviously so bad at it… and If I feel this way, I just kinda wanna tell you. So, here.
We’ve been makin’ adventures since late May… And so much has happened since then. Like, thinking back to when we went to the drive-in to see Godzilla and kinda got a little lost on the way (oops my bad) and how you’d come to my job and pick me up so we could hangout after. When we walked to the trestle and hiked to the top and then went to that waterfall. Or when we sat in your car in front of the hudson river, in that awful awful rainstorm… when that cop was creepin’ hard. Going to your brothers birthday party.. totally not dressed for the theme but, oh well. And spending that night with you after it had technically became your birthday, after everyone left… you were saying the cutest things when we were laying together. That party at Connor’s house when I came with Nicolette haha, and going to the diner the next morning even though I didn’t eat anything (whooopsies for feeling garbage). Carnival to see fireworks, and the never fucking ending ferris wheel. You surprising me at the hospital. When I slept at your house for the weekend, and you wouldn’t let me look at what you were cooking for breakfast cause it was a surprise. Mad decent, and that weekend in the city. Hmm..I always think of you standing in front of the window in my room during the sunrise, you looked so fucking cute (also when you held my hand walking through manhattan). Sometimes I get a tiny tiny bit sad when I watch sunrises in the city now, cause I just picture you being there with me those 2 days and it makes me miss you x 10. OH, Ikea and picking out furniture for the room, dunno why, but I think about that too.
I mean, there’s so much.
Though, I still just love how you come over and we can just lay in bed and do nothing. How you roll me spliffs, and cigarettes for yourself, and how you’ll sit with me in the bathroom to smoke. I love how you steal the covers and pillows… you’d think that would be, like, an issue, but I just find it ridiculously cute. I love goofing around with you, and how you tickle me even though I can’t stand it and am so ticklish. So french kisses and bird kisses, and how you’ll kiss my forehead and nose and ears and tiny little kisses all over. How you’ll randomly pull out your laptop to show me music, or just make a song. Watching Doctor Who with you… finally we’re both caught up to the same spot! Drinking with you is also fun as fuck, and definitely needs to happen more. I just…. there’s all this stuff constantly running through my mind. I miss you all the time. I miss you just laying in my lap and me playing with your hair and kissing your head and cuddling up close with you to fall asleep. I love everything about it, and you. I really do. Like, I guess I probably sound crazy.. but 4 months later and I’ve just fallen so fucking hard for you. (Plus, my brothers are crazy about you.. they literally tell me how much they like you all the time, and Jake keeps asking when he’ll see ya next)
Mostly after hanging out with you last weekend, when you came to Wally’s vigil with me… that meant the entire world and more. It seems silly, but going alone would have been absolute shit. I mean, it would have been fine… but when I started crying the littlest bit and put my head down, you started rubbing my back and then I just felt so much better and stopped crying and just pulled myself together. How you stayed that night too… That’s when I really started getting all these intense feels. Not to say they weren’t all there before, but it kinda all clicked.. like
damn, this boy means a lot to me, i like… love…him.
And I’ve spent this whole week kinda figuring out my feelings, and it’s led me here and I know I sent you that lame ass “I <3 you” video last night, but i didn’t mean “i heart you”, I meant I love you… and it’s definitely something that should be said in person, but I do what I want in my own Samara type of way and plus.. I get so anxious and nervous even thinking about saying ANY of this stuff to you in person because I am just shy x10. I’ve always been able to write out my feelings better. So, yeah. It’s cool to not say anything, or if you’d rather not acknowledge it in any way.. and it’s 50000000% perfectly FINE if you don’t feel the same.. I mean, I just had to fucking let out how I’ve been feeling cause I felt like I was gonna explode, and its been kinda a long time (i mean 4 months is p cool)… And I know you’re at Great North for the next few days, and I hope you’re having a baller ass time… and and and.. I guess this is where I’ll end this sappy feelsy shit. I’ve never been good at endings. Hmn, I love you. Mwah. Bird kisses x 100.
(ant emoji here)
One of these days you’ll realize
What you mean to me
Every now and then I see a part of you I’ve never seen
Every now and then I try to tell you just how I feel
Heavens talk, the rain begins, the sky turns black
Well, I try to talk but I can’t
My soul has turned to steel
This happens every now and then when I try to tell you just how I feel
So if you ever love somebody
You gotta’ keep them close
When you lose grip of their body
You’ll be falling
'Cause I'm falling
Deeper in love